So many changes in my life during this last week. just as I clicked “publish post” on my last blog my hard drive crashed. I have been trying to live with no laptop for a week and two days. To my surprise life has gone on with no interruption.
Where do I start?
MY mom…. she is dealing with the chemo so much better. She is able to get up and she hasn’t been as sick as she was the first week. The expected has happened and she took it with a smile. When she told me she was going to be going thru the chemo I told her that I would cut my hair if hers fell out that way we could be bald together. On Sunday June 15th she began to unbraid her french braids. As she loosened her braids her hair was simply falling off her head in clumps. The more she would unbraid the more she lost. There was more hair on the bed then there was on her head. I took a pair of scissors and cut the few strands of hair that were left then I went into the living room and began to take out my 16 inch weave. After I took out my weave I began to call and text my hair stylist friends to see who I could go to and get my hair cut into a cute style. I called a friend of mines named Vera. Vera is a beautiful women who is also friends with my mom. I told her about my moms hair and asked her if she could cut mines she said sure. Vera shaved all her hair off months ago and she has kept it that way for a while. I went to her house later that night and she asked me why I was trying to rock a short cut instead of shaving my head bald. She reminded me that my mom didn’t get to choose a cute cut. She stated that I shouldn’t half support my mom and I should just shave it off.
I have been doing a lot of thinking and trying to find out why we all desire the things we desire. I for one have an undying need for acceptance. I have recognized that I fall in love based off of who accepts me. I have made some really bad choices based off this fact. I can proudly say I have learned from my mistake. I have wasted valuable time with people who have proven that they are not worth it.
I like most women dream of a prince charming who can come sweep me off my feet and change my life. I want the wedding and the family and the house with the white picket fence. For a while I lost hope for all of that. Who would want to marry me? I need to lose weight, I’m not very exciting, I have no money, and I don’t even like being alone with myself. Just admitting this to no one yet every one at the same time is very painful. I have many flaws that I have not come to accept but I am working on them. HIV just adds to my insecurities. It’s hard for me to speak highly of myself. I know I have qualities that others might find charming and attractive but when it come to me point those qualities out my mind draws blank. I lose my words.
I have concluded, the reason I desire acceptance is because I haven’t learned how to accept myself. It’s hard to look in the mirror of my life and not see all the bad looking back at me. I see a person who has never finished anything. A person who has never won on her own, A person who has set goals time and time again and has failed. A shy person who always comes up short no matter what the situation, Fat, Jobless, Unimportant, I have failed at everything including failure. I’m stuck trying to figure out who I am and I’m afraid to look any deeper because on the surface I’m nowhere near who I wish I could be.
How do I become who I want to be? Is the person that I want to be the person that God wants me to be?
So many questions and no way to find the answers. If I google myself I only see who I have been. If I ask my friends they can only tell me who they think I am capable of being. If I ask myself… well we all ready know how that’s going to end. others may advise me to pray and ask God who I am/ should be but how do I know the answers are truly coming form the entity that is busy watching over the entire world. I am only one of the estimated seven billion plus people living in this planet (we have no idea how many other planets there are in existence that are able to support life. How can I expect God to answer me?
I just realized this morning that I missed a Doctors appointment. I find myself forgetting everything. I can’t remember if I brushed my teeth, I can’t remember to take my meds, I can’t remember when my mom asks me to do something, I can’t remember to move my car on street cleaning day. this is starting to be a problem. I don’t know what is causing this major memory lost but I don’t like it. When I have somewhere to go I have to come back in the house at least twice because I forgot something two days ago I was going to go put some gas in my car, I went to the car, started it up and realized I forgot my purse. So I walked back in the house to get it, my step dad came in about 20 minutes later and said “you going somewhere?” I said “no why?” He said “well you got your car running in the drive way.”
Yes it’s that bad. I wonder what I need to do to fix this memory problem I’m having. I know it’s not normal.
The zebra is a symbol of individuality, uniqueness, un-repeatable beauty. We all have our own “stripes” mine belong to me and me alone. Although you might have a story similar to mine your story will never be mine and my story will never be yours. stand strong in this fact and take pride in it. The good the bad and the ugly. You had to get thru it to become who you are today. Since no one can tell my story better than I can I intend to tell it to as many people as I can that way when I’m long gone my story will live on.
I woke up this morning saying a prayer thanking God for letting me see today and in my prayer I said “God is Good”…. Is he. I look at all the bad things that happen to people every day and I don’t blame God for those things but I don’t understand what it takes to continue to smile thru the pain.
I’m only 27 years old but I’m tired. Some time I just wish I wouldn’t wake up this next time I fall asleep. Sometime I wish I could just go into a coma for about 2 years. I wish I could disappear into my own mind where things are easy and there is happiness. I want to go to a place where I don’t have HIV. a place where I was born into a live where financial burdens would never be an issue. I look at the children of the rich and famous and I wonder how it feels to be given keys to your very own car at the age of 16. How would it feel to know that no matter what you chose to do for a living your school cost are covered.
Some people are born into a world where work is a hobby and the bills still get paid. I live in a world where if you don’t work you don’t eat. God is good? why is he not equally good to everyone?
I ran into him at a park about 4 years after I had moved out of LA. it was a rather brief encounter He asked me if I was telling him the truth when I told him I was positive. I guess he thought it was just something I said to try to push him away. I told him it was true then and yes its still true now. He asked me for my current number so we could talk and catch up.
That brief encounter turned into me spending weekends with him and his kid,. weekend turned into weeks, weeks turned into me moving in. I had just bought my first car and he was planning a trip to San Diego for a training conference I was thrilled when he asked me to go with him. we loaded up my Jeep and hit the freeway. I wish I would have stayed at home because as soon as we got to the hotel and parked I heard a loud pop come from under my hood. I didn’t know what to do so I just sat there. He had gotten out of the car to go check us in. I sat there and watched as a thick white steam started to rise from under the hood of my very first car. I had it for only 3 weeks and never expected any thing to go wrong with it. I slowly stepped out of the car and at that time I noticed the brown liquid pouring from the bottom. I just started crying. He came out and asked me “what did you do” I cried more trying to say “My car is broken” I spent the rest of the weekend stressing out over how I was going to get my car back to LA. He wasn’t much help. He acted as if it wasn’t a big deal. this was the first time I questioned my newly forming relationship with him. He wasn’t very helpful when I had problems. his main focus was his children, his youngest daughters mom, his dad, himself, and coming in at number 10, me. when it came to his concern for me that only included what I was cooking, how much money I was making, how often I was having sex with him, and if I helped and supported him in his unproductive half though attempts to make money without going to work. When I lost my job his response was “Now you can work for me.” I loved the fact that he was so sure about him self but it was that fact that made him think he could survive without working and earning an honest paycheck.
He called me ungrateful and selfish when I would tell him that I needed a job so I could get my own car and so that I could be able to afford the things that I wanted. He called me spoiled when I would tell him that I needed to earn some money to take myself out for my birthday. He was horrible at spending money. He would pay half of the bills and buy movies and video games with the rest of our money. I began to complain and he started to get upset. My role was to sit silent and say “YES DEAR” not to point out where we could be doing better. I found a voice and with that came abuse… needless to say that relationship ended just as quickly as it started. After our first physical fight I left with my purse, a change of clothes and my laptop. I have bought a car since then and I was able to go back and get my clothes but I have been homeless for the last 2 years because of this move.
Some days I feel like it would have been easier to stay with him. I feel like I would have just learned how to fight. but I wouldn’t have to drive my car with a trunk full of clothes. I wouldn’t have to spend the night where ever I was welcomed. I wouldn’t have to feel like a burden on my friends and family. I wouldn’t feel lonely and unloved.
Then there are days that I feel like I might have to move around a lot but the emotional pain would have been a lot worse if I would have stayed. I would have also had to deal with the physical pain of being hit. pushed, and treated like a sex slave. Being positive and looking for love has left me feeling like I have to put up with what ever my mate decides to put me thru. I have suffered mental abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, all because I felt like no one else would love me. I felt like I had to appreciate what ever I got because he accepted me with HIV. Who was I to expect more? Why should I expect any thing other than what I got? I saw myself as untouchable, poisoned, plagued. I had a boyfriend who cheated on me because he “loved me so much he didn’t want to ask me to have sex with him because he felt that would be disrespectful to me in my condition” this was honestly the excuse he gave me.
I am better than that, I am stronger than that, and I know better than that!
Jimmy and I met while I was taking up cosmetology at Los Angeles Trade Tech. He was a part of the Black Student Union. I don’t remember what position he held but he was so hyped about his role that he wanted every Black student at the school to join. He approached me while I was on my break from class and asked me if I wanted to join. I took the pamphlet from him and began to read it. He informed me that there was a $1 fee for joining the BSU and he offered to pay it for me in exchange for my phone number.
He and I began to hang out during my breaks and he asked me if he could take me out on the weekends some times. I agreed and that was the beginning of our relationship, nothing serious or formal we just went out to eat or to the movies and he would drive me home from school every now and then. One day he told me he was going to New York for a few days. I asked why? He said his ex-wife left there 5 children with her mother and he felt he had to go get them so that he could take on the role of dad. I wasn’t very upset since I knew I also hadn’t been very honest with him. I just said ok and I asked him to keep me informed on when he was leaving. a few days had gone by and I felt it was time to tell him my secret. He and I were seeing each other for about 4 months. I just said to him “I have something I need to tell you I was born with HIV and if you don’t want to talk to me any more I understand” His response was simple. He said “I feel sorry that you have to deal with that but I still like you” I cried and felt relieved by the fact that he didn’t get mad at me. School was out a few days after that and he left to New York. when he got back with the children I was thrilled to meet them. The twin girl were 2, the twin boys were 4, and the oldest girl was 6. I knew he was going to have a hard time with the children so I offered him my support in any way he needed it. I did the girl’s hair in braids and I went to his house and cooked for them at least twice a week. on the 4th of July I bought swim suits and beach towels for each of the kids, I bought food, a few water guns and water balloons and we had a picnic on the beach. I was the first time the kids ever went to the beach and we all had a great time.
Things were going great until one day he just stopped talking to me. he didn’t answer my calls or text messages. It took about 3 weeks for me to hear anything from him. he told me that he had gotten someone pregnant and he didn’t know how I would take it so he just decided to stop talking to me. I asked him what harm would one more kid do? I wasn’t bothered by it at first but he decided that he needed to be with the women since she was pregnant by him. I move out of LA and he and I just drifted apart.