I ran into him at a park about 4 years after I had moved out of LA. it was a rather brief encounter He asked me if I was telling him the truth when I told him I was positive. I guess he thought it was just something I said to try to push him away. I told him it was true then and yes its still true now. He asked me for my current number so we could talk and catch up.
That brief encounter turned into me spending weekends with him and his kid,. weekend turned into weeks, weeks turned into me moving in. I had just bought my first car and he was planning a trip to San Diego for a training conference I was thrilled when he asked me to go with him. we loaded up my Jeep and hit the freeway. I wish I would have stayed at home because as soon as we got to the hotel and parked I heard a loud pop come from under my hood. I didn’t know what to do so I just sat there. He had gotten out of the car to go check us in. I sat there and watched as a thick white steam started to rise from under the hood of my very first car. I had it for only 3 weeks and never expected any thing to go wrong with it. I slowly stepped out of the car and at that time I noticed the brown liquid pouring from the bottom. I just started crying. He came out and asked me “what did you do” I cried more trying to say “My car is broken” I spent the rest of the weekend stressing out over how I was going to get my car back to LA. He wasn’t much help. He acted as if it wasn’t a big deal. this was the first time I questioned my newly forming relationship with him. He wasn’t very helpful when I had problems. his main focus was his children, his youngest daughters mom, his dad, himself, and coming in at number 10, me. when it came to his concern for me that only included what I was cooking, how much money I was making, how often I was having sex with him, and if I helped and supported him in his unproductive half though attempts to make money without going to work. When I lost my job his response was “Now you can work for me.” I loved the fact that he was so sure about him self but it was that fact that made him think he could survive without working and earning an honest paycheck.
He called me ungrateful and selfish when I would tell him that I needed a job so I could get my own car and so that I could be able to afford the things that I wanted. He called me spoiled when I would tell him that I needed to earn some money to take myself out for my birthday. He was horrible at spending money. He would pay half of the bills and buy movies and video games with the rest of our money. I began to complain and he started to get upset. My role was to sit silent and say “YES DEAR” not to point out where we could be doing better. I found a voice and with that came abuse… needless to say that relationship ended just as quickly as it started. After our first physical fight I left with my purse, a change of clothes and my laptop. I have bought a car since then and I was able to go back and get my clothes but I have been homeless for the last 2 years because of this move.
Some days I feel like it would have been easier to stay with him. I feel like I would have just learned how to fight. but I wouldn’t have to drive my car with a trunk full of clothes. I wouldn’t have to spend the night where ever I was welcomed. I wouldn’t have to feel like a burden on my friends and family. I wouldn’t feel lonely and unloved.
Then there are days that I feel like I might have to move around a lot but the emotional pain would have been a lot worse if I would have stayed. I would have also had to deal with the physical pain of being hit. pushed, and treated like a sex slave. Being positive and looking for love has left me feeling like I have to put up with what ever my mate decides to put me thru. I have suffered mental abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, all because I felt like no one else would love me. I felt like I had to appreciate what ever I got because he accepted me with HIV. Who was I to expect more? Why should I expect any thing other than what I got? I saw myself as untouchable, poisoned, plagued. I had a boyfriend who cheated on me because he “loved me so much he didn’t want to ask me to have sex with him because he felt that would be disrespectful to me in my condition” this was honestly the excuse he gave me.
I am better than that, I am stronger than that, and I know better than that!