I have been doing a lot of thinking and trying to find out why we all desire the things we desire. I for one have an undying need for acceptance. I have recognized that I fall in love based off of who accepts me. I have made some really bad choices based off this fact. I can proudly say I have learned from my mistake. I have wasted valuable time with people who have proven that they are not worth it.
I like most women dream of a prince charming who can come sweep me off my feet and change my life. I want the wedding and the family and the house with the white picket fence. For a while I lost hope for all of that. Who would want to marry me? I need to lose weight, I’m not very exciting, I have no money, and I don’t even like being alone with myself. Just admitting this to no one yet every one at the same time is very painful. I have many flaws that I have not come to accept but I am working on them. HIV just adds to my insecurities. It’s hard for me to speak highly of myself. I know I have qualities that others might find charming and attractive but when it come to me point those qualities out my mind draws blank. I lose my words.
I have concluded, the reason I desire acceptance is because I haven’t learned how to accept myself. It’s hard to look in the mirror of my life and not see all the bad looking back at me. I see a person who has never finished anything. A person who has never won on her own, A person who has set goals time and time again and has failed. A shy person who always comes up short no matter what the situation, Fat, Jobless, Unimportant, I have failed at everything including failure. I’m stuck trying to figure out who I am and I’m afraid to look any deeper because on the surface I’m nowhere near who I wish I could be.
How do I become who I want to be? Is the person that I want to be the person that God wants me to be?
So many questions and no way to find the answers. If I google myself I only see who I have been. If I ask my friends they can only tell me who they think I am capable of being. If I ask myself… well we all ready know how that’s going to end. others may advise me to pray and ask God who I am/ should be but how do I know the answers are truly coming form the entity that is busy watching over the entire world. I am only one of the estimated seven billion plus people living in this planet (we have no idea how many other planets there are in existence that are able to support life. How can I expect God to answer me?