I sit here at the foot of my mother’s bed wondering what steps I could have taken to avoid the current situation I find myself in, jobless homeless broke and loveless. I guess it’s mostly due to the fact that I have spent my entire life waiting to die.
At the age of seven my sister informed me that I was blessed with a curse. How I came in contact with that curse remains a mystery to me. I was born in Los Angeles California my mom was 21 and my father, also a mystery to me. I know where he is and who he is but that’s about all I know about him. I can’t remember how old I was when he convinced my mom to pack up and move to New York but I do remember her talking about how she missed her family and home. I was so young that I didn’t know anything about California or how we got to New York. All I know was that the crowded streets and tall brick buildings were home to me. I was use to the cold winters and I had forgotten the sunshine. I looked forward to the mornings when my mom would dress me and my siblings in so many layers of clothes that we couldn’t bend our arms or legs. We would walk the best we could two blocks up and one block over to our school. Nothing like the schools in California named after the great presidents and historical icons. I remember the schools simply being called two letters followed by a number. My sister, older brother and I attended P.S.118 I was only there for pre k, kinder, and first grade.
With all the sweet memories I also remember a few bad things. We were walking to school one morning and I bent down and picked up a broken spoon. It was dirty and black. My older brother hit my hand and made me drop it he said to me “Don’t touch that. Those crazy people use that to take their medicine.”
I asked him “Is that why there are always needles on the ground?”
I never thought in a million years that my father was one of those crazy people but as I said before he was a mystery to me. Now that I’m an adult my mom tells me bits and pieces about him. He asked her to move with him to New York because he had an opportunity to work a better job and take better care of all of us. He told her he was under a lot of stress and that this move would ease a lot of it but she couldn’t tell her family because they would try to stop her. He also told her that they were fighting so much because of stress and after the move he wouldn’t be so stressed and he wouldn’t hit her any more. The truth was that there was no job, just drugs and a chance for him to get involved with selling. She agreed to the move but his promises of being able to care for all of us quickly went out the window. He was never allowed to get involved with dealing the way he wanted to because of the fact that he was an addict. He began to fight and argue with my mom about the fact that there wasn’t enough money coming into the house so he told her to go get a job and he would stay at home with the kids. This worked great up until he got his hands on some money. Then he would be gone until the next day.
When he and my mom fought she would tell my siblings to climb up the fire escape to our neighbor’s apartment. She was a Hispanic woman named Arlene. Whenever we tapped on her window she would open it up and let us in then turn the music up way loud so we wouldn’t hear the sound of our home being destroyed or our mother’s screams. The whole time she would be yelling and saying what she would do. I only understood about ten words that she would say because of her broken English.