Archive | December 2012

TRYING TO HIDE

(I wrote this poem about a year ago.)

I RIP UP ALL THE DOCUMENTS THAT WOULD CLUE YOU INTO ME. CHANGED MY NAME TO ANGEL DOLL AND STOLE A HALO TO HIDE MY IDENTITY. I DELETE ALL THE VOICEMAIL MESSAGES AND ERASE THE E-MAIL TOO. I WILL TAKE AMILLION EXTRA STEPS JUST TO KEEP MY TRUE SELF FROM YOU. IF ONLY THE WORLD WOULD UNDERSTAND I WOULD CEASE TO LIVE IN FEAR. BUT DAY TO DAY IN MY SOCIAL LIFE IGNORANCE IS ALL I HEAR.

IF I TOLD YOU THE TRUTH WOULD YOU STILL BE MY FRIEND OR WOULD YOU RUN AND HIDE. IF I TOLD YOU THE TRUTH WOULD YOU TREAT ME THE SAME OR WOULD YOU FEEL I DESERVE TO DIE. YOU MAY FEEL IN YOUR HEAD THAT YOULL BE THE SAME TODAY AS YESTERDAY BUT I HAVE HEARD THAT BEFORE AND IN THE END I KNOW YOU WILL RUN AWAY. BEING ME IS DIFFICULT A NEW STRUGGLE COMES WITH EACH NEW DAY. I HAVE GOTTEN TO A POINT WHERE FOR MYSELF I REFUSE TO KNELL DOWN AND PRAY. I FEAR THAT THE CREATOR HAS PUT ME HERE AS A SPONGE TO ABSORB THE PAIN. I TRY SO HARD TO FIT IN I JUST DRIVE MYSELF INSANE. TRYING TO HIDE MY REALITY I DRIFT INTO A ONE PLAYER GAME PUTTING ON MY MASK I ACCEPT THE TASK OF RUNNING AWAY FROM MY SHAME.

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Still Creating

I have started my journey to having a happy life. The summer ended on a high note for me. And autumn was filled with positivity. November 8-11, I attended Spectrums Freedom Course where I learned how to change my way of thinking and reacting in order to get more out of life.  (I was invited to go to the class by a person who I had no idea at that time would be such a major part of my near future.)

On November 30, 2012 I returned to my apartment, after being gone for three days, to find it was not as I left it. The two televisions that were given to me were gone along with my entire DVD collection, my DVD player, my laptop, my printer, all of my tools and products for styling hair, my jewelry, two purses and their entire content including the digital camera I earned for my participation in UCLA’s Through Positive Eyes project. The window in my bathroom was broken and dirty hand prints marked the walls of my shower. My bed room was ransacked.  I felt so violated and I wanted to fall in to the role of the victim. I felt as if I had called this onto myself. I can be quoted saying “I don’t have anything” I repeated these words to everyone whenever I spoke about finally getting my own place.

So from now on I choose to acknowledge what I do have. My really nice super soft sofa and cream colored chair that I was blessed to buy for $40, the 2 burgundy arm chairs gifted to me by my doctor, the Microwave gifted to me by the women I call my second mom, a black stove that I bought for only $50, a borrowed mini fridge that gets the job done, and a closet full of clothes. They may not all fit but I also have the ability to slim down and change my body or slowly work on getting new clothes.

Now back to the person who invited me to this life changing weekend seminar; I feel like each day brings me closer to her. She was one of the few people who didn’t react or ask a million questions when I told her about me being HIV positive. She invited me to participate in the Freedom Course with her and to this day she reminds me to use the lessons that I have learned to help me deal with my stressors. While in the class we were invited to be open about our feelings and honest with the people in the room as a way to ensure that we get the most out of the course. I stood up on the 3rd day and told 14 other students and staff that I was born HIV positive. On day 4 I didn’t want to go back because I was sure no one would want to sit next to me or talk to me but to my surprise everyone still accepted me and offered to hug me. My disclosure didn’t have to come with an explanation or apology.  I didn’t have to go into educator mode just to make them feel comfortable with me being in the room with them. I felt “normal.” I felt like I put way to much energy into those three letters. I sat in that room the first 2 days with my preconceived notions and assumption and I did to them what people normally do to me. I judged with no evidence and I stereotyped everyone to be closed minded and uneducated on the facts. 

Shortly after finishing the class I started to look into myself and try to locate the things that truly bring me joy and pleasure. I have accepted the fact that I have an opinion in the turns my life will make. I have spent 27 years trying to please others but my life is my story to be written by me. First major discovery about Lynnea’s life, she prefers dating women. I’m sure this will surprise a few people who thought they knew me but to those who really know me this shouldn’t be a surprise…… to be continued…

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