I look good to ME!

I’m going to start this off by apologizing to my readers for not posting more often. I re-read some of my first blogs and got caught up on how many typos and errors there were. In the beginning I just had so much to write about and I didn’t care to proof read before publishing a entry. Now I’m so stuck on looking good that I hardly post anything at all. That being said this might have a few typos….. I don’t really care as long as you get what I’m trying to say lol.

Now that I got that off my chest I have to write about the fact that 1 out of every 2 HIV positive women experience Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) HIV and abuse shouldn’t be such a common paring. Tomorrow Greater than AIDS Is releasing a new campaign focused on HIV and IPV. I was one of five women who sat down in front of a camera to share our own personal stories of how IPV has impacted our lives.

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Im proud of myself for doing the video and sharing my story however Im not so proud about the fact that I allowed the voice and the control of my ex to still effect HOW I presented myself in the video. A week before the filming of the Video I braided my hair. I made sure I waited till The weekend before so that It could be new enough to look good but not so new that the braid didn’t fall into place. Three days before I was scheduled to head to New York I panicked and took all my braid out because I could hear his voice telling me how my hair wasn’t done. I went and spent money that I didn’t have and I bought a bunch of weave hair and called everyone I knew until I found someone to help me install the hair. I was so worried that I didn’t look good with my natural hair style.

I shaved my head when my mom was going through her cancer treatment. ever since then I made the decision to allow my hair to look the way god intended for it to look. I love my kinky, bushy, thick hair. at time I have no idea what to do with it but the journey to discovering my natural beauty has been a fun one.

During the transition period a few people have managed to make me question and second guess my hair just because they were not as happy with my new found hair texture as I was. My ex would say things like “You’re not getting in my car with your hair looking like that” “Are you going to do your hair?” “You should put a hat on” and the list of insults is to long to even start on.

Looking aback at the video and the pictures from the campaign I don’t even look like myself. All I see is artificial hair and it looks like a rope laying on my shoulders waiting to strangle me if I say the wrong thing about the person who has done so much mental and physical damage to me.

He claimed to have loved me and he still to this day says he cares about me and wants to see me elevated but he says those things as he snatches my confidence , stomps on my joy and holds a gun to my self esteem.

I guess I will end this with a question. feel free to comment with an answer if you wish.

How do you get it back?

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One thought on “I look good to ME!

  1. Hi, Lynnea! I saw you were mentioned in an article about a photography exhibit featuring people with HIV with their dogs. I recognized your name immediately because I was friends with your sister, Lakeisha, in college and she talked about you often. I think about Lakeisha regularly but have no way to contact her. Is there any way you could let her know I’m looking for her so we can catch up? My name is Brandi Morgan.
    Also, I, too, am a survivor of domestic violence. As to how you get your confidence back, well, it’s a long, slow process and I am still trying to figure it out myself. Whenever I think something negative about myself that I know I am thinking only because of things my ex said to me, I try to remind myself that the negativity is coming from things my ex said and did, and that it is not true. Are you familiar with the term gaslighting? It is something almost all abusers do and, once you know what it is, it is much easier to see it and realize you aren’t crazy or stupid, as an abuser would have you believe. Getting confidence back is so, so hard. I wish you luck.

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