I had to learn to love me more

I am so blessed to have had my experiences in life. I thank god that I don’t look like what I been through. There is alot about me that I keep to myself. I’m starting to learn that my past has value. If my words can stop another person from going through the pain that I have gone through then I need to take the key and unlock the vault that I hide all the bad stuff in. Like I stated in a post in the past I could have easily been that young woman in Texas who was killed by her lover. he blamed his rage on her positive diagnosis. People fail to do the research on transmission from woman to man so alot of the times women are hurt out of ignorance and fear of something that is a slim possibility to begin with. when you think about sex I can honestly say I have been there done that. I didn’t care about myself for a minute. I let others tell me what I should do and even when I insisted on condoms I wasn’t strong enough to enforce my wishes. At my lowest point I was one of those women who allowed a man to control my body and and my finances. For 2 months I rejected my own intelligence. I allowed him to dress me up and take pictures of me and sell me on the internet. All because he looked at me and said I was beautiful and that he loved me. I now look at that sad little girl that I use to be and I know what her issue was. She had to learn to love her self. She had to see her own beauty. She had to wake up and determine her own worth. I never really thought he loved me. I never really believed him when he called me beautiful. I was just a soul-less shell of a body aimlessly wondering the earth waiting to live. I can now say I’m proud to have had the experiences that he gave me. One day I just packed my stuff, got in my car and drove away. He called me asking me to come back promising it would be different. He had his other girls calling me trying to talk me into coming back but God made it easy for me to leave with no harm and no trouble the first time. I was not going to fall into the same hole a second time.

 

He Was A Good PhotographerImage

Life is a Lesson

Your the instructor, the student, and the dean. Take a note of what grade your in at this moment.

As the student did you get moved up, held back or are you right where you should be? Do you ask for help? Once you understand the topic do you keep the information to yourself or do you lend a helping hand to the other life students that made be struggling? Are you teachable?

As the teacher are you effectively using all the tools at your disposal to educate? Are you stuck with those tools or do you create and invent new tools and techniques to teach the lesson? Do you settle in to the role of teacher or do you believe that you have to step back and learn from other? Are you teachable?

As the dean do you feel your able to speak to both the student and the teacher effectively? When a problem is bought your way do you act immediately? Or do you consider multiple solutions until the best one is found? Are you fair? Are you mean? Are you teachable?

There is one question that is present in all three roles. Are you teachable? I feel that no matter what role you are playing Life is a lesson and you MUST remain teachable. No mater what second of the day it is there is something that you can be learning. even during your sleep you dream, sometimes of things of which you have little to no knowledge. It was during a dream that I learned that I find beauty in bon fires at the beach. It was one of the most poetic dreams I’ve ever had. I was at one with all the elements. Sand was the earth, ocean was the water, the breezy wind licked the flames of the fire and I just sat there watching spirit dance. It was positively beautiful. I woke up with a sense of peace and serenity. the same peace and serinity that I get when ever I take a spur the moment trip to purchase fire wood and head west to watch the sunset as the heat from the fire warms my soul.

I’m extremely teachable.

I’ve looked up some catchy quotes on this topic that I would love to share with my readers.

“What I believe is that all clear-minded people should remain two things throughout their lifetimes: Curious and teachable.”
― Roger Ebert

“Be willing to be a beginner every single morning.”
― Meister Eckhart

To hold the same views at forty as we held at twenty is to have been stupefied for a score of years, and take rank, not as a prophet, but as an non-teachable brat, well birched and none the wiser

Robert Louis Stevenson

My Story: I Had A Secret

We moved from the 2 bedroom house behind my granny in south-central LA, to a 3 bedroom apartment on the west side of LA on the outskirts of Beverly Hills. It was another major change. I went from a place where I didn’t have many friends to a place where everyone smiled and said hello. My school was in walking distance. The first day I thought my mom was going to drive us to school but she didn’t she told us to pay attention to what she did and where she turned because she wasn’t going to come pick us up and she expected us to be home within 30 minutes of school letting out.

My older sister, older brother and I were afraid that we would get lost so we drew maps of the neighborhood as we walked to school with my mom. As the days went on we would take different turns just to see what was where and to add to our maps. We marked streets, the homes of our new friends, the candy stores, and streets with hills that we could ride our bikes down, big trees, parks, libraries, and strange looking buildings. By the time we finished making our maps the first pages were torn or lost. 

 

My days at Shenandoah Elementary were fun. I was still very shy but I had a few friends. No one messed with me and I did well in my class. I was the type of student who wanted to get all the answers right. I raised my hand to answer every question and I cried if I didn’t get the answer correct. I was in the third grade. Only seven years old and I had a secret. Like all kids I wanted to share my secret so I told a girl that I considered my best friend. This was the beginning of the discrimination. I told her I had a big secret and that I would tell her if she promised to keep it between us. I told her and she stepped back and said to me “Your gay and your gonna die. My uncle has that and my mom said hes gay and deserves it.”

“Gay? Whats that mean?”

She just ran off and I never talked to her again. I didn’t want to tell anyone that I told my secret so I kept this conversation to myself. I think that was the day I began to keep everything to myself I didn’t want anyone else rejecting me. I tried hard to fit in. I didn’t have an opinion and anytime any one asked me to make a choice my answer was either I don’t know, I don’t mind, or it don’t matter. I didn’t want to make any wrong choices and give anyone reason not to like me. It became my major goal in life to make others like me. I was always polite I always smiled and I never tried to stand out. I didn’t want anyone to notice me because I thought they would somehow discover that I had a secret.

I was in the 4th grade and I’m not sure why but my mom had to tell my teacher about my illness. Ms. Magana is one of the nicest teachers I ever had. Im not sure if she was so nice to me because I was HIV positive or if she was just that way by nature but I felt like she smiled  just a little brighter when she looked at me. She was the first teacher who didn’t question my intelligence. I always felt smarter than the other kids in the class because in New York they teach you at a faster pace than in California. I knew how to multiply and divide in the first grade. Ms. Magana let me do work from the 5th grade books and she also let me help her grade papers. I was helping her make copies one day and I got a paper cut. She asked me if I could clean it and bandage it myself or if I needed her to help me. She didn’t want to send me to the nurse because she understood the stigma and rejection that may have followed. I told her I could do it myself. I washed my hands dried them and tried to put the band-aid on. She saw me trying and came over took the band-aid and put it on my cut. She explained to me the my blood had germs in it just like everyone else’s and any time anyone got a cut we should always make sure to protect ourselves from their blood. She explained to me that she was not afraid to help me clean and cover my cut because she could do it without touching my blood. She put the band-aid on me and said “see all don’t and I have nothing to worry about. She got a bottle of cleaning solution from the cabinet sprayed the table I was sitting at and wiped it down with a paper towel. That made me like her even more because now I felt like I had a friend.

My story “Coming Back To Cali.”

Shortly after the death of the baby my mom was told that if she wanted to survive with AIDS the best thing for her to do would be to move back to California. She pack up the things that we were able to carry including the goldfish my siblings and I got while trick-r-treating and she bought 5 grey hound bus tickets. I don’t remember much about the trip across the USA but I do remember getting off the bus in Los Angeles and meeting my grandma she was so happy to see us she took turns hugging and kissing all of us over and over again. Now that I think about it I know that took love because we had just spent 3 days on a bus and there were no shower breaks.

Even thou I was born in Los Angeles I felt like I was in a very different world. It was warmer and it felt less crowded. I was in awe at the grass that lined the sidewalks and to openness of the streets. My older sister and brother and I were bused to school. In New York our school was a short walk away. Living with my grandma was fun in the beginning but then I started to realize how mean she was. She asked us to do things that my mother never expected us to do. Like hand wash her clothes and do yard work. In New York we didn’t have a yard and my mom took care of all the laundry. I began to dislike my grandmother. I thought she tried extra hard to make life hard. But even thou I didn’t like her I loved her. She didn’t hit my mom and she didn’t hurt me like Willy did. Despite the fact that she always found a reason to whoop my siblings and I, I did feel like it was unfair or wrong because she was equally unfair with everyone.

My mom checked us into school and then left us with our grandma while she went to take care of something’s in New York like selling our old furniture and getting rid of the rest of our belonging. During this time my grandma was our care taker. Looking back now I question my mom’s judgment. She left us with a woman who abused her when she was a child. My grandma didn’t even raise my mom. My mom was raised by her aunt. My grandma was and still is an abusive drunk. She is mean for no reason and I remember trying hard to please her as to no avail. I can remember trying to do well in school and she never noticed. My teachers would praise me more than she did. I do credit my grandmother with teaching me how to stand up for myself. I was bullied a lot at school because I was very shy and very quiet. Granny told me to keep an old sock with 4 double d sized batteries in it at the bottom of my backpack, and she said if anybody messed with me to just take it out of my back pack and wrap the end around my hand. She told me to keep it ready and if they swung at me take that sock and swing it at them as hard as I could. She advised me to keep swinging until they backed away from me for good. I had to do this one time ever in life and I cried the entire fight. But winning that fight showed me that I was able to defend myself against the bullies and that even thou I was a small and skinny child I didn’t deserve to be messed with.

I can remember my first spelling test at Loyola Village Elementary School.  The teacher informed us to sound out the words in order to spell them. I never had that instruction from my teachers in New York. We were taught that cat was spelled C-A-T we were taught to remember it not sound it out. Sounding words out was hard for me. I had a New York accent and every word I said sounded like it had an “A” at the end of it. When I got my graded test back I earned an “F” because each word had that extra “A” at the end of it. My granny told me to pick a switch off the tree so she could use it to spank me. I only did what I was told and I didn’t understand why she was so upset with me. I never really understood my granny like I said I didn’t really like her but I loved her with all my heart and still do.

HIV Related Laws

It saddens my soul to know that in some states, the spit of an HIV positive person is considered a deadly weapon. Ive spent alot of time trying to educate young people but I would love to sit in a room with policy makers and share my story with them. I would like to hug the law makers and then educate them on the basics of HIV transmission. I must admit I fool myself in thinking that everyone knows how HIV is transmitted. I cant recall blogging about modes of transmission so here it is.

HIV lives in 4 body fluids. Blood, breast milk, semen, and vaginal fluids. The virus can be found in these fluids and any other body fluids in which these 4 can be found including pre-cum and any body fluid containing blood. If I, an HIV positive person, were to spit on you, lick you or eat off your fork when your back is turned you are not at risk of catching HIV. If I were to kiss you on your lips you should not run out and seek an HIV test. If we got in a physical fight unless we both some how receive open wounds there is no risk of you becoming infected.

HIV positive people are serving time in prison for spiting. Although it is a very rude thing to do to someone there is no reason that ones diagnosis should make this an arrestable offensive. I have been reading up on HIV related laws and I must say I am not at all surprised at the fact that HIV positive people are still afraid to live out loud. I watched the movie titled Philadelphia just yesterday and it made me think. After all these years and all this work people are still being fired from their job after their HIV status is exposed.  I know this to be true because It happened to me. Ignorance should be outlawed! If we would all take the time to learn all there is to know about what it is that we fear then how great would this world be. Racism would be erased, stereotypes would vanish, and ignorance would not be an option.

Cure Is On The Way

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/29/health/new-hope-of-a-cure-for-hiv.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/04/health/for-first-time-baby-cured-of-hiv-doctors-say.html?pagewanted=all

http://www.thebodypro.com/content/71343/12-year-old-boy-receives-cord-blood-transplant-in-.html?ap=1100

It started with Timothy Brown AKA The Berlin Patient AKA The first Person to be cured of HIV. He found out he was HIV positive in 1995. His life was saved by the medication that made living with HIV a reality. In 2006 he received a new threat to his life, leukemia. he under went chemo therapy just the same as many cancer patients but the leukemia came back. the next step was a bone marrow transplant.

Many years ago there was a documentary on people who were resistant to HIV. It was late one night and I couldn’t sleep so I flipped through the channels and stopped on one with a graphic showing how HIV entered a cd4 cell. I remember them following a man who described how he began to lose all his friends due to complications of AIDS and he noticed that many of them were former lovers of his. He heard that the virus was contracted sexually and when his current lover began to show signs of sickness. they both went to get tested. His lover was infected but he was not. He described to the doctor that several of his former lover had already died and his current lover is ill so clearly the test was wrong and he had to have this virus as well. but test after test came back negative for HIV. He began to ask how is it that other were contracting HIV from practicing the same behaviors as and he wasn’t further test showed that his cd4 cells did not have the receptors that HIV needed to latch on to in order to take over and infect it. This meant that even if the virus did enter his body it was unable to replicate so it would simply die causing his to be resistant to HIV.

Now back to Timothy Brown.

His doctor, Gero Hütter, didn’t know very much about HIV but he was aware of the fact that a genetic mutation, called delta 32, disables the CCR5 receptors on the surface of the CD4 cells. If a person had two parents with delta 32 they were completely immune to HIV. T. Brown was in need of a bone marrow transplant, and the CD4 cell is produce in the bone marrow. Dr. Hütter was on to something that no other doctor had ever tried before. An HIV resistant bone marrow donor would cure T. Brown of leukemia and produce HIV resistant CD4 cells curing him of HIV as well. Long story short IT WORKED!!!!!!!  Dr. Hütter found 232 donors worldwide who were matches for Brown. They worked through the list testing each of donors for the ­mutation. Donor 61 was just what the doctor ordered!

While the rest of the world was focused on improving treatment and creating a vaccine AIDS researchers and clinicians had accepted the beliefs that a cure was impossible.

Cure stories are starting to pop up all over. First Timothy Brown then the baby in Mississippi is treated and cured, now a 12 year old boy has received a cord blood transplant in hopes to cure his leukemia and HIV. My fingers are crossed! Maybe soon I will be telling the story of how I get cured.

So Refreshing

This is different. I have had a few relationships in the past where I thought I was accepted despite my Positive status. I was so use to being accepted only in the shadows. I still have people in my life who are ok with having a friend who is HIV positive as long as no one else knows. I can remember being invited to share my story at a school and being told by the person that I was dating at the time that I can’t do it because they knew people who lived near that school. The fear was in the fact that somehow his friends would find out that the women he “loved” was HIV positive.

The relationship that I’m in now is so different from anything that I have ever experienced. I have been in relationships with women before but never anything that was truly open and honest so it was never serious. She took it upon herself to tell her friends all about me. I was afraid to accept them to my facebook page for fear of them finding out that she was dating an HIV positive woman. She told me that she had already told them and they were just as ok about it as she was. This relationship is one that allows me to be me. I don’t have to hide anymore and that feels amazing.

We went to the book store with a friend of hers who is now my friend as well. We will call her Ricky. Ricky shared a very intimate story about how she was once taken advantage of.  This got me to thinking about the times in the past when I was in similar situations. Trying to keep my diagnosis a secret has often lead me to playing the role of the oblivious girl right on the verge of danger. I explained a situation to her that I worked really hard to forget.

I was about 19 and in one of my depressed moods. I turned to my normal reckless behavior to get over it. I called the party line and hooked up a date with some random stranger. I had him pick me up at the library and we went to get something to eat. After that I expected to get dropped off back at the library. He said he wanted to show me something. He got on the freeway and drove to a city I was unfamiliar with I asked where he was taking me and he said “You will see soon it’s a surprise.” My heart beat quickened and I contemplated telling him about the fact that I was born positive as a way to make him change his mind if he had bad intentions. That could have ended very badly. He got off the freeway and I made up my mind that I was getting out of that car at the next possible chance. I slowly took off my seat belt, He stopped at a red light and I quickly jumped out the car and ran in the opposite direction. I looked back and saw him get out the car to close the door. I kept running and didn’t look back any more. I saw a city bus and I waved hysterically praying that it would stop. The driver opened the door and I jumped on board. I told the driver that I was on a date and I was afraid that he was going to try to hurt me. I was in tears as I explained that I had no idea where I was and I didn’t have any money but if I could get close to the Downtown Union Station I could get home. The driver gave me a day pass and told me he would tell me where to get off and what bus I needed to get to where I was going.

I asked Ricky if she knew about me being positive after sharing this story with her. She just shook her head yes. I told her that we all have reasons for doing reckless things but during those times we needed to turn to the people who we know we can trust. She was very clear about the fact that she was now one of those people for me and I was one of those people for her. She and I both dropped a few tears while sitting in the café of the book store and I could tell that she would be one of those people who would be in my life for a very long time. This relationship is bringing on more positive relationships and it’s pulling me out of the shadows.

For a really long time I found it hard to love and even harder to trust. She and I are not perfect people and we both have a lot to learn about the other but I don’t see us ever having a problem that we can’t work out.

I’m looking forward to reading a book titled The Five Love Languages. I was advised by a friend that it would benefit me in all situations when communicating with others. Look forward to the growth and strength I will gain from this book.Image

TRYING TO HIDE

(I wrote this poem about a year ago.)

I RIP UP ALL THE DOCUMENTS THAT WOULD CLUE YOU INTO ME. CHANGED MY NAME TO ANGEL DOLL AND STOLE A HALO TO HIDE MY IDENTITY. I DELETE ALL THE VOICEMAIL MESSAGES AND ERASE THE E-MAIL TOO. I WILL TAKE AMILLION EXTRA STEPS JUST TO KEEP MY TRUE SELF FROM YOU. IF ONLY THE WORLD WOULD UNDERSTAND I WOULD CEASE TO LIVE IN FEAR. BUT DAY TO DAY IN MY SOCIAL LIFE IGNORANCE IS ALL I HEAR.

IF I TOLD YOU THE TRUTH WOULD YOU STILL BE MY FRIEND OR WOULD YOU RUN AND HIDE. IF I TOLD YOU THE TRUTH WOULD YOU TREAT ME THE SAME OR WOULD YOU FEEL I DESERVE TO DIE. YOU MAY FEEL IN YOUR HEAD THAT YOULL BE THE SAME TODAY AS YESTERDAY BUT I HAVE HEARD THAT BEFORE AND IN THE END I KNOW YOU WILL RUN AWAY. BEING ME IS DIFFICULT A NEW STRUGGLE COMES WITH EACH NEW DAY. I HAVE GOTTEN TO A POINT WHERE FOR MYSELF I REFUSE TO KNELL DOWN AND PRAY. I FEAR THAT THE CREATOR HAS PUT ME HERE AS A SPONGE TO ABSORB THE PAIN. I TRY SO HARD TO FIT IN I JUST DRIVE MYSELF INSANE. TRYING TO HIDE MY REALITY I DRIFT INTO A ONE PLAYER GAME PUTTING ON MY MASK I ACCEPT THE TASK OF RUNNING AWAY FROM MY SHAME.

Still Creating

I have started my journey to having a happy life. The summer ended on a high note for me. And autumn was filled with positivity. November 8-11, I attended Spectrums Freedom Course where I learned how to change my way of thinking and reacting in order to get more out of life.  (I was invited to go to the class by a person who I had no idea at that time would be such a major part of my near future.)

On November 30, 2012 I returned to my apartment, after being gone for three days, to find it was not as I left it. The two televisions that were given to me were gone along with my entire DVD collection, my DVD player, my laptop, my printer, all of my tools and products for styling hair, my jewelry, two purses and their entire content including the digital camera I earned for my participation in UCLA’s Through Positive Eyes project. The window in my bathroom was broken and dirty hand prints marked the walls of my shower. My bed room was ransacked.  I felt so violated and I wanted to fall in to the role of the victim. I felt as if I had called this onto myself. I can be quoted saying “I don’t have anything” I repeated these words to everyone whenever I spoke about finally getting my own place.

So from now on I choose to acknowledge what I do have. My really nice super soft sofa and cream colored chair that I was blessed to buy for $40, the 2 burgundy arm chairs gifted to me by my doctor, the Microwave gifted to me by the women I call my second mom, a black stove that I bought for only $50, a borrowed mini fridge that gets the job done, and a closet full of clothes. They may not all fit but I also have the ability to slim down and change my body or slowly work on getting new clothes.

Now back to the person who invited me to this life changing weekend seminar; I feel like each day brings me closer to her. She was one of the few people who didn’t react or ask a million questions when I told her about me being HIV positive. She invited me to participate in the Freedom Course with her and to this day she reminds me to use the lessons that I have learned to help me deal with my stressors. While in the class we were invited to be open about our feelings and honest with the people in the room as a way to ensure that we get the most out of the course. I stood up on the 3rd day and told 14 other students and staff that I was born HIV positive. On day 4 I didn’t want to go back because I was sure no one would want to sit next to me or talk to me but to my surprise everyone still accepted me and offered to hug me. My disclosure didn’t have to come with an explanation or apology.  I didn’t have to go into educator mode just to make them feel comfortable with me being in the room with them. I felt “normal.” I felt like I put way to much energy into those three letters. I sat in that room the first 2 days with my preconceived notions and assumption and I did to them what people normally do to me. I judged with no evidence and I stereotyped everyone to be closed minded and uneducated on the facts. 

Shortly after finishing the class I started to look into myself and try to locate the things that truly bring me joy and pleasure. I have accepted the fact that I have an opinion in the turns my life will make. I have spent 27 years trying to please others but my life is my story to be written by me. First major discovery about Lynnea’s life, she prefers dating women. I’m sure this will surprise a few people who thought they knew me but to those who really know me this shouldn’t be a surprise…… to be continued…

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Creating

I just completed the freedom course of the Spectrum Life Design Program. In the class I have learned so much about how I can re-create myself. The first thing I need to do is except the things that I fight with and realize the more I fight the harder I make it. I also learned that my feeling like I am nothing is not bad. To create is to make SOMETHING out of NOTHING! I am on the right path and excited about who I am going to become.

I will no longer be the girl that has great ideas that dont materialize. I am the author of my life and my success is not optional IT IS A MUST!!!

I was given the chance to look deeply into my own thought process and pin point what makes me feel the way I do. I was in the habit of blaming and playing the victim instead of looking at the things that I do to make myself feel like I am right. I have the option to live my life guilt free and un- victimized

I have made a choice to accept only positive thoughts. This means I have to stop the “feel-bad-for-me” post. I claim

LIFE

HEALTH

JOY

PEACE

PROSPERITY

SUCCESS

SATICFACTION

GROWTH

A FLAT TUMMY!

2X’S MORE HAIR THEN WHAT I CUT OFF

LOVE

FRIENDSHIP

A SUBSTANTIAL RELATIONSHIP

PROGRESS

GAIN

CONFIDENCE

COURAGE

BEAUTY

ORGANIZATION

FREEDOM

WISDOM

AND ALL THINGS GOOD AND PURE, EASY AND STRESS FREE

I am the creator of my destiny, the author of my life, and I am ready to do the work to make my dreams a reality! I suggest you jump on board and claim some greatness of your own. You get out of life what you put into