Tag Archive | Fears

sick and alone

Yesterday was awful. I started to feel sick on Sunday. I ate oatmeal for breakfast and my stomach didn’t feel right then. I skipped lunch and at 3pm all the oatmeal that I had for breakfast graced my taste buds with and unwelcomed encore. There was a tornado brewing in my tummy. I convinced my body to sleep that night but the next morning at 4:30 am the tornado made its way to my head concentrating all its force on my left temple. I couldn’t take it. I made 6 trips to the bathroom before 5am. I didn’t know what to do. Being HIV positive and now single and living alone who could I call at 5am? I waited until I thought she might be awake and called my mother…. no answer. I don’t have a car so my options were call 911 or chance it on the bus. Hours went by as I attempted to get dressed so I could take the bus to see my Dr. by the time I had my clothes on it was around 2pm and I was sure that I wouldn’t make it to my clinic on time. I changed my destination and planned on going to the E.R. Just as I was walking out the door my mom called me to ask me to accompany her to her appointment for lab work. God is always looking out for me. once she heard my voice she knew something was wrong and came right over. I made it in time to see my Dr. and avoided the hours of waiting in the E.R.

Today I still don’t feel well at all so I’ve bundled up in front of my T.V. and I don’t plan on moving until I feel better. But I can’t help but think about the fact that I’m here alone and my mind keeps wondering to the last person who was there for me the last time I got sick.

Breaking up is always hard but the times when you need that person makes it hurt even more. I was the one to end it but once you notice that saying good bye means your giving it all up, the good and the bad, its too late. I think about her all the times. I loved taking care of her. It made me feel needed. There was so many little things that she said she never had before and I made it my goal to give it to her. Its been a month so the break up is still fresh and I still worry about her. What hurts the most is the fact that I know she isn’t worried about me. No one is. If my mom weren’t going in that direction I would have been on a bus going to the E.R. If I died last night no one would even know. Its hard to feel Positively Beautiful when your alone kneeling over a toilet bowl.

 

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HIV Related Laws

It saddens my soul to know that in some states, the spit of an HIV positive person is considered a deadly weapon. Ive spent alot of time trying to educate young people but I would love to sit in a room with policy makers and share my story with them. I would like to hug the law makers and then educate them on the basics of HIV transmission. I must admit I fool myself in thinking that everyone knows how HIV is transmitted. I cant recall blogging about modes of transmission so here it is.

HIV lives in 4 body fluids. Blood, breast milk, semen, and vaginal fluids. The virus can be found in these fluids and any other body fluids in which these 4 can be found including pre-cum and any body fluid containing blood. If I, an HIV positive person, were to spit on you, lick you or eat off your fork when your back is turned you are not at risk of catching HIV. If I were to kiss you on your lips you should not run out and seek an HIV test. If we got in a physical fight unless we both some how receive open wounds there is no risk of you becoming infected.

HIV positive people are serving time in prison for spiting. Although it is a very rude thing to do to someone there is no reason that ones diagnosis should make this an arrestable offensive. I have been reading up on HIV related laws and I must say I am not at all surprised at the fact that HIV positive people are still afraid to live out loud. I watched the movie titled Philadelphia just yesterday and it made me think. After all these years and all this work people are still being fired from their job after their HIV status is exposed.  I know this to be true because It happened to me. Ignorance should be outlawed! If we would all take the time to learn all there is to know about what it is that we fear then how great would this world be. Racism would be erased, stereotypes would vanish, and ignorance would not be an option.