Tag Archive | Life

“she killed me so I killed her”

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2200564/Cicely-Bolden-Man-stabs-girlfriend-death-telling-HIV-sex.html

A man in Texas killed his girlfriend because she told him that she had HIV after they had sex. Hearing stories like this scares me because that could have been me many times before. I have had moments where I could have easily been that women in Texas stabbed to death because things happen some times and I’m only human I make many mistakes. I often wonder why God has protected me for so long. WHy has he allowed me to avoid people like that man in Texas. After high school I didn’t care about myself or anyone else so I was wild and I did somethings that could have gotten me killed but I was so blessed that God kept me. It wasnt untill my last birthday that I decided to stop trying to live a negative life, and by negative I mean HIV negative and negative as in wrong. I did make bad choices because I thought they were fun. I fell in lust with a few people and had sex and drank and hung out and didn’t tell anyone I was HIV positive. I had an excuse that made all this feel like it was ok even tho I knew deep in my soul I was wrong. Death was coming for me anyway so I decided to live my life the way I wanted to and then when I ended up in the hospital I was going to call and confess to those that I cared about and spend my last days asking God to forgive me. In my head my plan was going to work because I was going to die and if my friends hated me I wouldn’t have to deal with it because I wasnt going to be here any more and they would feel better about hating me because I was going to get what I deserved for deceiving them. DEATH! with some I thought I was going to work my way in to their hearts and then HIV wouldn’t change anything because they would love me for who I am and they would feel bad that I was going to die and mourn me. I now know that I was so wrong to think any of that. but when do you tell? this women in Texas certainly didn’t do it at the right time or place. I have tried telling people at the first hello but that left me feeling like a damaged good. I would hear “oh wow I’m glad you told me. It was nice talking to you” and then they would go away taking a piece of me with them. A painful secret that they didn’t need to know. Disclosure is a big issue I have had my whole life. I never had a problem talking to a room full of strangers but it’s so hard to tell the people who I consider to be my friends, people I hope to have some type of social life with. So at this point in my life I just don’t look for friends. I disclose by telling people to check out my website or google me and then call me if they still want to be my friend or call me if they want to ask me any questions. It took me a really long time to be ok with being alone. I still struggle with it, but I would rather be alone and be a voice to help educate, motivate, and inspire other than to be killed because I didn’t know how to tell someone who I really am.

May you rest in peace Cicely Bolden

 28 year old mother of 2 murdered after disclosing her HIV status

Why do I do this?

What is the goal of my blog? The goal is to let you know what its like to be me. I want to educate you on my life and what I go thru now and what I have gone thru in the past as a person born HIV positive. I want to share my passion for life with you and entertain an adventure thru my mind.

What topics will my blog cover? I plan on writing about anything that comes to my mind. Topics that you will certainly read about will be politics, health, current events, and anything that is going on in my life. HIV affects life in many different ways. I have stories that will make you laugh and stories that will make you cry.  Trying to have a social life while positive is very hard because others and their lack of information can lead to discrimination and I tend to tell you guys all about it.

Who is the target audience of my blog? I hope to target those who are going thru the same things that I am going thru and those who know nothing about HIV. I hope to educate some and remind others of how we can stop AIDS.

What do I hope to get from blogging? I have attempted to write my story into a novel but I have been diagnosed with depression for the last 2 years. I have moments when I feel like I can focus and get anything done and I also have moment when I am so sad and UN-motivated that I just can’t think of doing anything that requires my attention. On the sad days I might try to blog about the fact that I’m feeling sad but I honestly choose to ignore life and stare at a wall until I fall asleep. I have started my book several times but those sad days creep in and I look at how much I have done compared to how much I have left to do and I just seems like a never-ending task. I grew up waiting to die so I hate to admit it but I have never accomplished a long-term goal. I jump from project to project and if it takes to long I dump it and move on to the next. With blogging I find I can just do short post to get the idea out and it’s not too much to commit to at once. As I go along I hope to be able to piece my book together using my blogs and just tying them together to make sense.

Even this entry will somehow end up in my book. I hope that I am going about this the right way but even if I don’t end up with a book and even if no one reads my blogs I will feel good about the fact that I have a couple of my stories preserved in text. I feel words are the only way any person can live forever.

USCA Bound! Womens Task Force Peer Leadership Award Winner ME!

EXCITED!!!!! Las Vegas here I come!!!! And I’m not going for fun this time. I just came back from a 4 day trip with my mom, step-dad, and best friend. But in a few days I’m going to be out there again learning whats new and whats now about HIV in the USA. I can’t wait!!! I’m excited to meet new people and network with those who share my passion to end AIDS. Right before I leave I’m going to be attending the LA Womens Task Force Leadership Dinner where I’m going to be awarded the peer leadership award. I feel this is a great honor. I fear I haven’t actually done the work to earn it yet since all my plans are still premature but I will accept it and use it as fuel to push me to success. The Positively Beautiful Fashion show must go on. I feel like I could be and should be fighting harder to make this happen. I have a great team of supporters that is growing into something that can’t be stopped. Things are starting to change for me and I can almost see the light. I pray that I can keep up with the excellent changes that are coming my way!

Can I Hide?

TRYING TO HIDE

I RIP UP ALL THE DOCUMENTS THAT WOULD CLUE YOU INTO ME. CHANGED MY NAME TO ANGEL DOLL AND STOLE A HALO TO HIDE MY IDENTITY.

I DELETE ALL THE VOICEMAIL MESSAGES AND ERASE THE E-MAIL TOO. I WILL TAKE A MILLION EXTRA STEPS JUST TO KEEP MY TRUE SELF FROM YOU.

IF ONLY THE WORLD WOULD UNDERSTAND I WOULD CEASE TO LIVE IN FEAR. BUT DAY TO DAY IN MY SOCIAL LIFE IGNORANCE IS ALL I HEAR.

IF I TOLD YOU THE TRUTH WOULD YOU STILL BE MY FRIEND OR WOULD YOU RUN AND HIDE. IF I TOLD YOU THE TRUTH WOULD YOU TREAT ME THE SAME OR WOULD YOU FEEL I DESERVE TO DIE.

YOU MAY FEEL IN YOUR HEAD THAT YOU’LL BE THE SAME TODAY AS YESTERDAY BUT I HAVE HEARD THAT BEFORE AND IN THE END I KNOW YOU WILL RUN AWAY.

BEING ME IS DIFFICULT A NEW STRUGGLE COMES WITH EACH NEW DAY. I HAVE GOTTEN TO A POINT WHERE FOR MYSELF I REFUSE TO KNEEL DOWN AND PRAY.

I FEAR THAT THE CREATOR HAS PUT ME HERE AS A SPONGE TO ABSORB THE PAIN. I TRY SO HARD TO FIT IN I JUST DRIVE MYSELF INSANE.

TRYING TO HIDE MY REALITY I DRIFT INTO A ONE PLAYER GAME PUTTING ON MY MASK I ACCEPT THE TASK OF RUNNING AWAY FROM MY SHAME.

I wrote this poem about 3 years ago when I was just tired of being “that girl with HIV” I didn’t want to walk in my shoes any longer so I tried to take them off. I did every thing I could to get rid of those shoes but despite how hard I tried they are still here.

All i have to say is that…

“All i have to say is that hiv/aids has a grisly effect on the human body and the fact that it can be spread so easy is scary, and im not saying the meds are a bad thing but what people need to understand is that hiv/aids isn’t going to go away any time soon and with the rates of infection so high. I feel that to truly stop this disease a viral genocide has to happen, im sorry for saying it but its the further generations that count” -youtube subcriber graybrian22

Ignorance is still very much alive. Instead of taking the responsibility of getting tested, learning, and passing the information on how to protect ones-self some people have a belief that HIV will go away if we just get rid of positive people. I say to the people who feel like this is a solution. YOU might need to go get tested! it is that type of thinking that makes this virus spread the way it does. Those who feel that the virus will be gone if you kill of positive people I ask this question, do you think a girl who looks like me and feels healthy like me would ever opt to be tested knowing that a positive result would mean she has to be killed? I was born this way. I had HIV before I ever did any thing to put myself at risk so I would run from testing centers thinking I had nothing to worry about. this would be worst than me knowing and taking the proper steps to prevent spreading the virus. The truth is the majority of the people who are spreading the virus don’t even know they have it.

Changes Changes Changes

So much to do so little time. I am in the process of trying to find an apartment. This is so hard! I’m realizing that even after being approved for section 8 finding a place is not easy. I must have a working refrigerator and range before section 8 will approve the unit. I can’t afford to buy these things. HOPWA offers a move in grant that will take care of the security deposit and any deposits required for the utilities but gas and electricity must be paid monthly. I’m working with an income of $221 per month which hardly takes care of my car insurance and cell phone bill. God forbid I want to watch TV or use internet at home. I have no idea how having a permanent address of my own is something I can manage with such a little income. My focus is scattered at this point. I want to go ahead and find a place and live like a normal adult with 4 walls that I can call me own but this is hard. I am in need of income, not right now, but RIGHT NOW! I’ve had normal jobs in the past but my illness has made it difficult for me to hold any job for longer then 6 months. When I start to work I begin to stress out and I see a negative change in my health. My t-cells drop my viral-load rises and I end up with blood pressure problems, unexplained stomach pains, and massive headaches, How am I going to buy furniture? What will I sit on? What the heck am I getting into? Sure I’ve lived alone before but I made plans way ahead of time and I had something to start with. How to I start with nothing and create something?

A list of HIV positive people?

A popular website has decided to create a list of HIV positive people. The list didn’t include any type of prevention message or education. It didn’t include any relevant information on how people have managed to live longer healthier lives, I don’t know how I feel about the fact that this list exist. I wonder why such a list needs to be posted online anyway. I know one of the people named on the list. I contacted her and asked her if she was informed or asked about being added to this list. her answer was no.

OUTRAGEOUS! granted my friend is a public activist and has appeared on numerous PSA’s and talk shows, she wrote a book about her life, and she has made it her goal to inform anyone who will listen about the importance of testing and early detection. Her HIV status is no secret yet this list is not something she would have chosen to be apart of. It doesn’t matter how open one is about their HIV status their disclosure should still be at their discretion. I blog and talk about living with HIV but my disclosure comes with a message to help cure the world of stigma, My goal is to cure this virus thru educating and informing the next generations about the positive choices they need to make in order to remain HIV negative. My goal is to show HIV positive people, that life is still beautiful and full of opportunity. I would never agree to having my name added to such a cold and ostracizing list.

What is the purpose of this list? Is there a list of bi-polar people? Is there a list of people with high blood pressure? What about a list of ignorant people?

My Last Week

So many changes in my life during this last week. just as I clicked “publish post” on my last blog my hard drive crashed. I have been trying to live with no laptop for a week and two days. To my surprise life has gone on with no interruption.

Where do I start?

MY mom…. she is dealing with the chemo so much better. She is able to get up and she hasn’t been as sick as she was the first week. The expected has happened and she took it with a smile. When she told me she was going to be going thru the chemo I told her that I would cut my hair if hers fell out that way we could be bald together. On Sunday June 15th she began to unbraid her french braids. As she loosened her braids her hair was simply falling off her head in clumps. The more she would unbraid the more she lost. There was more hair on the bed then there was on her head. I took a pair of scissors and cut the few strands of hair that were left then I went into the living room and began to take out my 16 inch weave. After I took out my weave I began to call and text my hair stylist friends to see who I could go to and get my hair cut into a cute style. I called a friend of mines named Vera. Vera is a beautiful women who is also friends with my mom. I told her about my moms hair and asked her if she could cut mines she said sure. Vera shaved all her hair off months ago and she has kept it that way for a while. I went to her house later that night and she asked me why I was trying to rock a short cut instead of shaving my head bald. She reminded me that my mom didn’t get to choose a cute cut. She stated that I shouldn’t half support my mom and I should just shave it off.

Image   Image

DESIRE?

I have been doing a lot of thinking and trying to find out why we all desire the things we desire. I for one have an undying need for acceptance. I have recognized that I fall in love based off of who accepts me. I have made some really bad choices based off this fact. I can proudly say I have learned from my mistake. I have wasted valuable time with people who have proven that they are not worth it.

I like most women dream of a prince charming who can come sweep me off my feet and change my life. I want the wedding and the family and the house with the white picket fence. For a while I lost hope for all of that. Who would want to marry me? I need to lose weight, I’m not very exciting, I have no money, and I don’t even like being alone with myself. Just admitting this to no one yet every one at the same time is very painful. I have many flaws that I have not come to accept but I am working on them. HIV just adds to my insecurities. It’s hard for me to speak highly of myself. I know I have qualities that others might find charming and attractive but when it come to me point those qualities out my mind draws blank. I lose my words.

I have concluded, the reason I desire acceptance is because I haven’t learned how to accept myself. It’s hard to look in the mirror of my life and not see all the bad looking back at me. I see a person who has never finished anything. A person who has never won on her own, A person who has set goals time and time again and has failed. A shy person who always comes up short no matter what the situation, Fat, Jobless, Unimportant, I have failed at everything including failure. I’m stuck trying to figure out who I am and I’m afraid to look any deeper because on the surface I’m nowhere near who I wish I could be.

How do I become who I want to be? Is the person that I want to be the person that God wants me to be?

So many questions and no way to find the answers. If I google myself I only see who I have been. If I ask my friends they can only tell me who they think I am capable of being. If I ask myself… well we all ready know how that’s going to end. others may advise me to pray and ask God who I am/ should be but how do I know the answers are truly coming form the entity that is busy watching over the entire world. I am only one of the estimated seven billion plus people living in this planet (we have no idea how many other planets there are in existence that are able to support life. How can I expect God to answer me?

Image-M.L.King Jr.