TRYING TO HIDE
I RIP UP ALL THE DOCUMENTS THAT WOULD CLUE YOU INTO ME. CHANGED MY NAME TO ANGEL DOLL AND STOLE A HALO TO HIDE MY IDENTITY.
I DELETE ALL THE VOICEMAIL MESSAGES AND ERASE THE E-MAIL TOO. I WILL TAKE A MILLION EXTRA STEPS JUST TO KEEP MY TRUE SELF FROM YOU.
IF ONLY THE WORLD WOULD UNDERSTAND I WOULD CEASE TO LIVE IN FEAR. BUT DAY TO DAY IN MY SOCIAL LIFE IGNORANCE IS ALL I HEAR.
IF I TOLD YOU THE TRUTH WOULD YOU STILL BE MY FRIEND OR WOULD YOU RUN AND HIDE. IF I TOLD YOU THE TRUTH WOULD YOU TREAT ME THE SAME OR WOULD YOU FEEL I DESERVE TO DIE.
YOU MAY FEEL IN YOUR HEAD THAT YOU’LL BE THE SAME TODAY AS YESTERDAY BUT I HAVE HEARD THAT BEFORE AND IN THE END I KNOW YOU WILL RUN AWAY.
BEING ME IS DIFFICULT A NEW STRUGGLE COMES WITH EACH NEW DAY. I HAVE GOTTEN TO A POINT WHERE FOR MYSELF I REFUSE TO KNEEL DOWN AND PRAY.
I FEAR THAT THE CREATOR HAS PUT ME HERE AS A SPONGE TO ABSORB THE PAIN. I TRY SO HARD TO FIT IN I JUST DRIVE MYSELF INSANE.
TRYING TO HIDE MY REALITY I DRIFT INTO A ONE PLAYER GAME PUTTING ON MY MASK I ACCEPT THE TASK OF RUNNING AWAY FROM MY SHAME.
I wrote this poem about 3 years ago when I was just tired of being “that girl with HIV” I didn’t want to walk in my shoes any longer so I tried to take them off. I did every thing I could to get rid of those shoes but despite how hard I tried they are still here.
“All i have to say is that hiv/aids has a grisly effect on the human body and the fact that it can be spread so easy is scary, and im not saying the meds are a bad thing but what people need to understand is that hiv/aids isn’t going to go away any time soon and with the rates of infection so high. I feel that to truly stop this disease a viral genocide has to happen, im sorry for saying it but its the further generations that count” -youtube subcriber graybrian22
Ignorance is still very much alive. Instead of taking the responsibility of getting tested, learning, and passing the information on how to protect ones-self some people have a belief that HIV will go away if we just get rid of positive people. I say to the people who feel like this is a solution. YOU might need to go get tested! it is that type of thinking that makes this virus spread the way it does. Those who feel that the virus will be gone if you kill of positive people I ask this question, do you think a girl who looks like me and feels healthy like me would ever opt to be tested knowing that a positive result would mean she has to be killed? I was born this way. I had HIV before I ever did any thing to put myself at risk so I would run from testing centers thinking I had nothing to worry about. this would be worst than me knowing and taking the proper steps to prevent spreading the virus. The truth is the majority of the people who are spreading the virus don’t even know they have it.
So much to do so little time. I am in the process of trying to find an apartment. This is so hard! I’m realizing that even after being approved for section 8 finding a place is not easy. I must have a working refrigerator and range before section 8 will approve the unit. I can’t afford to buy these things. HOPWA offers a move in grant that will take care of the security deposit and any deposits required for the utilities but gas and electricity must be paid monthly. I’m working with an income of $221 per month which hardly takes care of my car insurance and cell phone bill. God forbid I want to watch TV or use internet at home. I have no idea how having a permanent address of my own is something I can manage with such a little income. My focus is scattered at this point. I want to go ahead and find a place and live like a normal adult with 4 walls that I can call me own but this is hard. I am in need of income, not right now, but RIGHT NOW! I’ve had normal jobs in the past but my illness has made it difficult for me to hold any job for longer then 6 months. When I start to work I begin to stress out and I see a negative change in my health. My t-cells drop my viral-load rises and I end up with blood pressure problems, unexplained stomach pains, and massive headaches, How am I going to buy furniture? What will I sit on? What the heck am I getting into? Sure I’ve lived alone before but I made plans way ahead of time and I had something to start with. How to I start with nothing and create something?
A popular website has decided to create a list of HIV positive people. The list didn’t include any type of prevention message or education. It didn’t include any relevant information on how people have managed to live longer healthier lives, I don’t know how I feel about the fact that this list exist. I wonder why such a list needs to be posted online anyway. I know one of the people named on the list. I contacted her and asked her if she was informed or asked about being added to this list. her answer was no.
OUTRAGEOUS! granted my friend is a public activist and has appeared on numerous PSA’s and talk shows, she wrote a book about her life, and she has made it her goal to inform anyone who will listen about the importance of testing and early detection. Her HIV status is no secret yet this list is not something she would have chosen to be apart of. It doesn’t matter how open one is about their HIV status their disclosure should still be at their discretion. I blog and talk about living with HIV but my disclosure comes with a message to help cure the world of stigma, My goal is to cure this virus thru educating and informing the next generations about the positive choices they need to make in order to remain HIV negative. My goal is to show HIV positive people, that life is still beautiful and full of opportunity. I would never agree to having my name added to such a cold and ostracizing list.
What is the purpose of this list? Is there a list of bi-polar people? Is there a list of people with high blood pressure? What about a list of ignorant people?
So many changes in my life during this last week. just as I clicked “publish post” on my last blog my hard drive crashed. I have been trying to live with no laptop for a week and two days. To my surprise life has gone on with no interruption.
Where do I start?
MY mom…. she is dealing with the chemo so much better. She is able to get up and she hasn’t been as sick as she was the first week. The expected has happened and she took it with a smile. When she told me she was going to be going thru the chemo I told her that I would cut my hair if hers fell out that way we could be bald together. On Sunday June 15th she began to unbraid her french braids. As she loosened her braids her hair was simply falling off her head in clumps. The more she would unbraid the more she lost. There was more hair on the bed then there was on her head. I took a pair of scissors and cut the few strands of hair that were left then I went into the living room and began to take out my 16 inch weave. After I took out my weave I began to call and text my hair stylist friends to see who I could go to and get my hair cut into a cute style. I called a friend of mines named Vera. Vera is a beautiful women who is also friends with my mom. I told her about my moms hair and asked her if she could cut mines she said sure. Vera shaved all her hair off months ago and she has kept it that way for a while. I went to her house later that night and she asked me why I was trying to rock a short cut instead of shaving my head bald. She reminded me that my mom didn’t get to choose a cute cut. She stated that I shouldn’t half support my mom and I should just shave it off.
I have been doing a lot of thinking and trying to find out why we all desire the things we desire. I for one have an undying need for acceptance. I have recognized that I fall in love based off of who accepts me. I have made some really bad choices based off this fact. I can proudly say I have learned from my mistake. I have wasted valuable time with people who have proven that they are not worth it.
I like most women dream of a prince charming who can come sweep me off my feet and change my life. I want the wedding and the family and the house with the white picket fence. For a while I lost hope for all of that. Who would want to marry me? I need to lose weight, I’m not very exciting, I have no money, and I don’t even like being alone with myself. Just admitting this to no one yet every one at the same time is very painful. I have many flaws that I have not come to accept but I am working on them. HIV just adds to my insecurities. It’s hard for me to speak highly of myself. I know I have qualities that others might find charming and attractive but when it come to me point those qualities out my mind draws blank. I lose my words.
I have concluded, the reason I desire acceptance is because I haven’t learned how to accept myself. It’s hard to look in the mirror of my life and not see all the bad looking back at me. I see a person who has never finished anything. A person who has never won on her own, A person who has set goals time and time again and has failed. A shy person who always comes up short no matter what the situation, Fat, Jobless, Unimportant, I have failed at everything including failure. I’m stuck trying to figure out who I am and I’m afraid to look any deeper because on the surface I’m nowhere near who I wish I could be.
How do I become who I want to be? Is the person that I want to be the person that God wants me to be?
So many questions and no way to find the answers. If I google myself I only see who I have been. If I ask my friends they can only tell me who they think I am capable of being. If I ask myself… well we all ready know how that’s going to end. others may advise me to pray and ask God who I am/ should be but how do I know the answers are truly coming form the entity that is busy watching over the entire world. I am only one of the estimated seven billion plus people living in this planet (we have no idea how many other planets there are in existence that are able to support life. How can I expect God to answer me?
I just realized this morning that I missed a Doctors appointment. I find myself forgetting everything. I can’t remember if I brushed my teeth, I can’t remember to take my meds, I can’t remember when my mom asks me to do something, I can’t remember to move my car on street cleaning day. this is starting to be a problem. I don’t know what is causing this major memory lost but I don’t like it. When I have somewhere to go I have to come back in the house at least twice because I forgot something two days ago I was going to go put some gas in my car, I went to the car, started it up and realized I forgot my purse. So I walked back in the house to get it, my step dad came in about 20 minutes later and said “you going somewhere?” I said “no why?” He said “well you got your car running in the drive way.”
Yes it’s that bad. I wonder what I need to do to fix this memory problem I’m having. I know it’s not normal.